The Jeep Wrangler Unlimited is the answer to a question no one was asking.
The basic two-door Wrangler is an institution. Few cars can take you anywhere for so little money. Its not flashy; its not meant to be. The interior is cheap but functional. The dashboard has what you need and nothing more (unless you spring for the navigation system, which sorta defeats the purpose of getting lost off-road). Its not a car youd take to the opera, but to an amphitheater ten miles from the nearest road.
Theres plenty of cargo room. Plenty. Fit and finish are less than stellar. The steering wheel wasnt on straight. The passenger door wouldnt close without slamming. It drove well enough, but the stick shook in my hand under acceleration off the line. Speaking of which, the Unlimited wanted more gas from a standing start than my right foot wanted to give. Im ashamed to admit I stalled it twice. I had to rev it well above two-k to get it going. Yeah, not gonna happen on a daily basis with EPA estimates of 15 city/19 highway.
It doesnt have door springs, but straps that keep it from going too far. Full frame doors, half frame doors; ragtop, hardtop; steel wheels or…chrome? Seriously? Jeep has tried to civilize the restless native in their midst, forgetting that every other model in their lineup serves that need.
And to further this process, they added over twenty inches to the wheelbase and a set of doors for the rear passengers, creating the Unlimited model. Must mean the back seat has First Class legroom, right? Business Class? Economy? Two inches, are you effing kidding me? Thats the kind of math thats gotten the Big Three into a financial mess from which they may never recover.
And on the road, the extra length makes itself known. Even their literature admits that the turning radius goes from 34.9 feet to 41.2. Six feet! All for two inches of legroom in a cramped rear seat that could have used most of that twenty?
And they want how much for that? $23,815?! Thats over two grand more than a standard Wrangler.
Jeep has, in an effort to expand the brand, lost their way. If the rumors are true and Fiat wants to join Chryslers band of merry men, maybe they can start by showing the Jeep kids some basic math, followed by some lessons in packaging efficiency (see the Fiat 500).
D-
The Generalissimo should have been in his element. The Wrangler Unlimited was Jeeps version of his beloved LM002. We didnt have a chance to take her off-road, so we stuck to city streets.
It feels…heavy, he said. He wasnt yelling, which was never a good sign.
It is heavy, I said. Forty-two hundred pounds or so, give or take passenger weight.
Can you move the seat up, dude? Zak the Intern asked. I complied. Thanks.
Better?
Not really.
The Generalissimo stood on the brakes. I heard Zaks skull conk into the speaker housing set in the roll bar behind my head.
Good brakes, I said. I made a note of it in my log.
Theyre…fine, the Generalissimo said.
I could smell the melancholy. Trouble at home? I ventured.
Its…its nothing.
Okay. He took a turn at a reasonable rate of speed. Im told Im a good listener. Im told no such thing.
Its my counterpart, the Generalissima. Shes…shes displeased.
Ah, crap. If this is about what I said regarding her hair, I only meant
She does not care about your opinions. No, she found out that Id ruined her favorite ball gag when I used it to beat that fake Nigerian prince unconscious.
Uh… The things I dont need to know about…
He pulled to the side of the road. I cannot continue. The intern may drive.
Yes! Zak yelled. He got out.
Oh hell no. I chased him down and pinned him to the spare tire bolted to the tailgate. The last time he drove, he tried to play chicken with a line of full trashcans. Needless to say, they won after he flinched too late. ARDVARCs insurance adjuster was les than amused.
I dragged Zak to the front passenger seat and stuffed him in the Jeep. The Generalissimo got in the back, between the front seats. Riding the hump we used to call it. I got in the drivers seat and started the Jeep.
I said I was sorry, dude, Zak said to me.
Sorry wont replace the front end of an eighty thousand dollar Audi. I adjusted the mirrors. The Generalissimo sighed. Sir, would you like to stop on the way back?
Stop? No, Im fine. Another sigh.
Theres a new bakery downtown…
A new…indeed?
Indubitably.
He smiled. Then stop lollygagging! Let us commence! Ha ha!
I pulled out, then made a quick left.
And if we could stop at the adult entertainment store on the way, the Generalissima would be most pleased!”