I am the Generalissimo!

I like creativity. I applaud it, even. But some formulas should not be messed with unless you’re a professional. And the people at Bon Appetit are…not.

The idea probably seemed like a good one at the time. Take a croissant. Everybody loves croissants. Add some cream cheese filling. Everybody loves cream cheese filling. Then put it in a package.

Um, aren’t we forgetting something here?

Yes. FROSTING!!! I know, it’s not advertised as a cheese Danish, and can therefore ignore the formula, but come on. To be even mildly successful, you need good ingredients. The croissant wasn’t bad. It wasn’t nearly flaky enough, but the moisture was pretty good. The flavor was unimpressive, which shouldn’t surprise me. Anything purchased at a gas station should come with some kind of warning, unless the fact that you BOUGHT IT AT A GAS STATION wasn’t enough of a hint.
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Tina’s Lemon Cheese Turnover is not a cheese Danish. Let’s just be perfectly clear on that before we continue. Tina’s makes Danishes, but I have been unable to find them. Don’t think this means I’ll stop.

The first thing you’ll notice is the total lack of frosting. Yep, that’s minus ten points right there. Then there’s the lemon filling. It’s not very good. It also looks (from the outside of the package) that there’s enough filling in this thing to give me diabetes. Nope. And it’s not very good. It’s sorta sweet, but lacks punch. It’s all rather bland. Same with the read. It’s smooth and soft, with some moisture, but not lots. And the flavors, when combined, create a giant ball of nothing.
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If you’re looking for an inexpensive way to feed a small family, then this is the way to go. If you’re looking for a refined taste experience, keep walking…

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” the Generalissimo barked in my ear.

I hadn’t heard him come in. No big surprise there. “So you liked it?”

“Not really!”

Didn’t think so. It’s not that it’s a bad Danish; it’s not. It’s just not a good one. The bread is okay. The texture is less traditionally flaky, but still pretty good. In fact, I’d say it’s the highlight of this Danish. The taste was bland. The moisture was there, but not in quantities to overcome the lack of flavor.
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I had such high hopes for this one.

“As did I!” The Generalissimo paused to wipe some frosting from his mustache. “It looked better on TV!”

“Um, okay.” But I sorta understood his point. Individually wrapped snack treats fall into two categories: bland rest stop food, or unexpected treasures. This was definitely the former.

The bread was dry and tasteless, but had a touch of sweetness to it that most Danishes shy away from. It gave me hope, which was then dashed by the pitiful amount of cream cheese filling. The filling wasn’t bad. It also wasn’t great. It had a pleasant tartness to it that the sugar tried to mask—unsuccessfully I might add—but the texture was too grainy for my tastes.
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Safeway’s bakery makes some pretty good deserts, including today’s subject, a cheese Danish. I managed to arrive at our local store just as the baker was putting the frosting on the morning’s pastries. It was still warm when she put the bag in my hand, and I skipped out the door to the car. The Generalissimo was less than amused.

“You mean I have to wait to eat this scrumptious morsel of righteousness?!”

“Yep.” We went back to my place, where the Generalissimo stared at the Danish for three hours, barking my name from time to time so I’d check the frosting for the appropriate amount of dryness.
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