Green Path’s 2006 Chardonnay

“I thought we discussed this!” the Generalissimo said. “It is not a box

“Sure it is. See?” I squeezed the box, sloshing some of Green Path’s 2006 Chardonnay out of the spout and onto my shirt. I’d love to tell you that was the first time that had happened that night, but…

“It is the color of the last sample I gave to the fine physicians at the free clinic

“Why were you at the free clinic?”

“Give me the glass!” He took a gulp. Then another. He continued until the glass was empty. “Superb! But it is not from a real box!” He slammed the glass to the ground, shattering what was once my favorite wine goblet. Maybe goblet is a stretch. It was a Snoopy mug I got at the thrift store when I was in college. Still.

“But it’s organic, sir.” He loves the organic. He believes that pesticides are responsible for his chronic kidney stones, as well as the voices he hears in his head. I wasn’t gonna be the one to tell him otherwise.

“Organic? Indeed?” He picked up the box.

“And it’s got a screw top. You love screw tops.”

“It is true! I love them!” To prove this, he unscrewed the top. Then he screwed it back on. Then off. Then on. Off. On. Rinse. Repeat. His mustache got all twitchy with joy.

“Read what it says on the side,” I suggested. He loves reading the sides of boxes. Buy the man a box of Fruity Pebbles, give him a pencil, and he’ll spend hours trying to figure out a puzzle designed for eight-year-olds.

“It says here that Green Path wines are made to satisfy the most discerning wine buyer!”

“You’re a discerning wine buyer. Is it up to your standards?”

“Is what up to my standards?!”

“The wine in your hands.”

“No idea!”

I took the box from him. The container says that the Chardonnay, “displays ripe nectarine characters with vibrant notes of tropical fruit salad.” Sure. All I tasted was cheap wine. It goes on to say that, “It’s a superbly balanced wine that fills the mouth with flavor and has a lingering finish.”

It filled my mouth, alright, but just because it’s got flavor doesn’t make it good. Same with the lingering part. Morning breath lingers. My ex-girlfriend lingered. That creepy guy who hangs out by the elementary school lingers.

I found the wine to be palatable, with a crisp intro, followed by a hug of intense wine flavor, followed by a quick reach-around of burn as it went down my throat. But as none of you care what I thought of the wine, I decided to ask the expert. Again.

“Is this a wine you’d recommend to our discerning readers?”

He shrugged, then tipped the box upside-down, emptying its contents into his gullet. I couldn’t tell if he was swallowing or gurgling or possibly training himself to resist waterboarding. When he finished, he tossed the box aside.

“So?” I asked.

“So what?!”

“The wine you nimrod! The wine! How was it!”

“What wine?”


2 Responses to “Green Path’s 2006 Chardonnay”

  1. Bill says:

    Where are you getting all these funky wines in cartons from?