I am the Generalissimo!

Kismet. Serendipity. Blind dumb luck.

After sampling one of Cornish Bakehouse’’s meat pasties, I wasn’’t expecting much from their custard Danish. For starters, it was custard filled. I like custard, but as I’’ve said many times before, Danishes should be cream cheese filled. Fruit should be used as a last resort, and in conjunction with the cheese. Custard? Never.

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If Wal-Mart is as American as apple pie and baseball, then Harrods is as British as spotted dick and cricket. So I had high hopes for their interpretation of our old friend, the cheese Danish. And they were were right on the money, sorta. Imagine a cellist that hits all the right notes but then decides to fart halfway through the performance. Yo-yo Ma would never think about breaking wind, so why ruin a Danish like this?

What am I talking about? I’ll let the Generalissimo explain, as he did it so much more eloquently than I.

“They put effing raisins in the effing cheese filling!”

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Doughy instead of flakey. A balance of sweet and sour. A folded pastry with two problems that keep it from the title fight.

The Pioneer Bakery of Puyallup, Washington, is one of those little places you’d miss if you blinked. That would be your loss, because they’ve got a few tricks up their sleeves that make me want to go back. The Generalissimo and I aren’t ones to turn up our noses at local bakeries; we tend to prefer them, actually. There’s a place in D.C. that makes these—

“Just get on with it!”

“Yes, sir.” The Generalissimo hasn’t had his daily dose of caffeine, or lithium, or whatever the hell it is that—

“The Danish!”

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“Why have we stopped here, young Thurman?” the Generalissimo asked.

“Here” was the Puyallup Farmer’s Market. And we’d stopped because the Generalissimo once again forgot his counterpart’s birthday, and was in need of some fresh flowers to rectify the situation. Of course he’d forgotten that, too.

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I know, I know, we don’t normally taste things outside of the cheese Danish realm, but I was hungry, and the Generalissimo took the only cheese Danish we found at the Chevron station. And as he isn’t one to share, I took what I could find.

I love carrot cake. When done right, it can be a religious experience. My grandmother, for example, could open the megachurch dedicated to carrot cake. Duncan Hines and Betty Crocker might be able to open a local parish of some sort by comparison.

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“This is more like it!” the Generalissimo cried.

I’d made the mistake of having the great sunglassed one over to my place for an evening of cheese Danishes and fine boxed wine. Unfortunately, the first Danish I pulled out wasn’t a Danish at all, but a cheese croissant. He wasn’t amused. This offering, also from Albertson’s, was a true cheese Danish, and he seemed much more inclined to enjoy it, right until he put it into his mouth.
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“This is not a cheese Danish!” the Generalissimo said. “You promised me cheese Danish! I salute your deception!”

He saluted.

It wasn’t much of a deception. When I went to Albertson’s, I bought two things that looked like cheese Danishes, only one of them turned out to be a cheese croissant. No big whoop. We’d try it, and if he liked it, then all was right with the world. Except, I made the mistake of trying it first.
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Prairie City Bakery’s Creamy Cheese Danish isn’t as bad as it could be. Compared to some of the other Danishes we’ve tested, it’s fantastic. The flavor is nothing special, the bread isn’t the best out there, and the frosting isn’t provided in enough quantity to make it relevant, but the filling…wow. Creamy and soft, with just enough tart to keep it interesting. The flavor reminds me of homemade, and that isn’t a criticism.

But Prairie City gets serious bonus points for the volume of cheese filling. The center core was almost three inches in diameter, and three quarters of an inch deep. That may not sound like much to you, but in the world of cheap Danishes, that’s a lot. Easily twice what I’ve seen on other Danishes, and almost twice what our local bakery puts out.
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This is the worst pastry I’ve ever eaten. Bon Appetit, you are officially on my list. The Generalissimo not only refused to try it, but whipped out his Colt Anaconda and punched a pair of .44 holes in my plate, putting me out of my misery. And the antique table the plate was on. And the floor. Did I mention he uses explosive tipped rounds? Can you say “shrapnel wound to the shin?”

No frosting.

The bread was generic, bordering on useless.

The filling was gooey, flavorless, and made my stomach do a Triple Lindy off the 10M board.

I have but one question: are you effing kidding me? Because I’m not.

F

I’m a big fan of Top Food and Drug. I do quite a bit of my grocery shopping there, mainly because it’s close, but also because they carry a lot of odd items I can only find in trendier places (think Metropolitan Market or Whole Foods). And as we don’t have either of the other two, Top works for me.

I rather enjoy their individual pieces of carrot cake. The cake tends to be moist, the carrots are rarely rancid, and the cream cheese frosting is sublime. So it goes with their cheese Danish.
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